lindsay's exiled vox

funny math of politics

TA+E=R

...Carry the Cheney...

i love sharks! [this is funny]

K. So I'm in this play called Seascape with Sharks and Dancer, so every now and then I like to find videos of sharks to give me a visual for the one monologue in which I talk about sharks.

Dude, this one is killer funny!

THE GREAT WHITE SHARK SONG

p.s. Help save the sharks! Buy this CD from ABC4EXPLORE.COM. You'll even get the video!

i am afraid

Slowly, and with much difficulty, the door begins to creak open as I pull it. Then with a sudden screech it jerks downward. The stench wafts up from the abyss. This dark shaft that runs up and down the height of my apartment building is encrusted with untold layers of grime, dripping down the walls in the darkness. As swiftly as is humanly possible I shove the bag I hold into the opening, praying each time that I did not allow the bag to get too full to fit. I push it and wiggle it in, avoiding direct contact between my skin and this tiny, smelly bottom-hinged door or the larger, side-swinging door it is holding open.

Toccata And Fugue In D-Minor

Johann Sebastian Bach

I act quickly, never knowing when someone else's trash may descend upon me from one of the five stories above. My ears are keen for the sound of another creaking door and the echo of grossness hitting the metal walls. The bag goes in and drops to the dank pit below. While its echo still haunts my ears, I push up on the small door again, touching only the handle, while holding the second door at bay, for fear it will swing at me from its self-closing hinges. I shut the second door. It pushes one last breeze of foul odour directly in my face. I turn with a gasp and walk away with quickened pace.

Finally I can breathe, but I cannot touch anything until I get through my own door and cover my hands in a lather of antibacterial soap. It is over. I can avoid the treacherous cave for one whole week.

Yes, my friend, I am afraid of my trash chute!

love-love. Lindsay

pippin has a mutant toe

pippin

My kitten may be a medical marvel. Pippin is three and a half years old. Technically not a kitten, I know, but compare this ten pound itty bitty to her 20 pound "brother" Oliver, and yes she is a kitten. But I digress. She was declawed three years ago, and we never looked back. She still spent that summer killing mice in a Colorado cabin, pretends to claw the furniture to this very day, and imagines she is biting her nails. Granted, I always thought her paws looked funny after the surgery, like she had extra flaps of skin at the ends of her toes, but it was nothing too serious.
That all changed this weekend, when I noticed one of her toenails has grown back! One single, very tiny little toenail sticking out the top of her paw; a little crooked, without the ability to retract, and certainly not in the place where cats normally have toenails.
"My God!" thought I, "My kitten has a mutant toe!" Does it hurt her? Does she care?
But soon the moment of oddity passed just enough for me to wonder, "Perhaps she is a miracle." Call those stem cell research guys, who are trying to grow back body parts. My kitten did it on her own! No doubt they'll be astounded, no doubt they'll award me (or Pippin) a Nobel Prize. No doubt they'll simply say "What on earth did that lousy vet do?!?"

the wrong diet

[This was my entry for a humor essay writing contest: The Next Diet Craze.]

Sick of all those fad diets full of foods you hate and numbers you can’t keep track of? Now there’s a new diet that takes out all the guesswork. If you can get it to your mouth, you can eat it!

The Wrong-Handed Diet is a new approach to learning how to eat in moderation. The rules are simple. If you are right-handed, eat with your left hand; if you are left-handed, eat with your right hand; and if you are ambidextrous, eat with your feet. This is the diet that lets you use a poor physical state to your advantage. If you are out of shape and uncoordinated you are a perfect candidate for success with this new system! Go ahead; be clumsy with your food! When more food falls on the floor, less ends up in your mouth. It’s that easy! Best of all, there’s nothing to buy, ever!

Already too skilled in the art of shovelling food with all appendages? The Wrong Diet has a second phase for advanced eaters: the Wrong Utensil! So you managed to get the whole hamburger to your mouth, even though you used your feet, next time eat it with a spoon. Try eating ice cream with chopsticks! Have your doughnuts out of a mug! Eat your French fries though a straw! Phase two is where you can have fun with your diet, thinking up creative ways to make eating your favourite foods more difficult.

Doctors all over the country recommend The Wrong Diet for its ability to teach moderation, encourage creative thinking, and provide physical challenges. This system will change your lifestyle so you never have to refuse your favourite foods again!
Remember: “It’s not what you eat, but how you eat it!”

www.demockeracy.com

blinky icon, why do you lie to me?

It finally happened. I didn't think it could happen to me. It crept upon my being so carefully, quietly, yet today I discovered that I have joined the millions who have become dependent on their internet connections. I was in denial, but today I had no choice but to face the truth. I ventured out of the house to a coffee shop to make use of their free wi-fi connection and get a change of pace from the ONE chair I have in my house. Lo and behold, their wireless wasn't working! Or wasn't it? My network icon said I was connected with excellent strength, but that little firey fox couldn't sniff out a single thing.
What was going on? I panicked. "I just spent five dollars on your coffee and croissant so I could sit here and not take advantage of you! But now there is no internet. And I can't try somewhere else because I just had coffee, and more importantly, already spent money for an internet connection when I had one at home."

Lindsay, Lindsay, what's the matter? It was coffee! Your love, your passion! (I didn't go to starbucks, ya know, I went to a place that makes COFFEE) But somehow, all I could think of was that darned lack of connection, and the fact I coulda saved money and drank the coffee at home (which isn't necessarily true anyway, as I'm almost out).

*sigh* what am I coming to? Used to be the coffee shop wi-fi was all I had (ah, sweet Muddy's, you served me well). But alas! now I need it all the time. When did the internet become more important than a good cup of coffee?

blogger.com asks "do you believe that forks are evolved from spoons?"

There was a time in Tudor England, I believe, when the only utensil was a knife. It existed only out of necessity to cut things up while most foods were still eaten with the hands. Later, it was widely used to spear foods effectively, yet being too narrow and useless for scooping up things like stews, the spoon was invented. This did very well for a time. No one saw any reason for more than two utensils. But alas, possessions had to last a very long time for many of the poverty-stricken citizens. Many who were able to buy a spoon still could not replace them when they started to crack and split. But this led to hope: the dawning of a new era, when the spork was born!

Many of the poor were overjoyed to realise their old utensil could now scoop AND pierce their food. The landed classes caught wind of this new phenomenon, and were jealous and bewildered. Whenever their spoons cracked they had foolishly thrown them out and bought new ones. Not to be outdone by those good-for-nothings they decided to add a third utensil to their table: the fork. Now each utensil had one purpose to which its design could be fully devoted: the knife was only for cutting, the spoon was only for scooping, and now the fork took its rightful place as the item for piercing. This gave great pleasure to the landed classes who could now make fun of all lowers for using the wrong utensil.