lindsay's exiled vox

a reminder

VNV Nation - Arclight

VNV Nation

“Forget your fear and want no more.” … This is Arclight by VNV Nation. I often want this song to be one of my mantras, but all too often I forget. But I think we can all use little reminders like this.  …“Seek no more for hollow answers - answers that lay within you all along.”…

must... keep... writing...

Well, it's been one full week since NaNoWriMo. I have thoroughly enjoyed the vacation from churning out two or three thousand words of fiction every single day. And I was fully intending to continue work on my unfinished NaNo book in January after a nice long break from it. But NaNo put me in the habit of writing every day and I realised I need to keep going before that habit vanishes altogether. After all, writers write, right? (har har - bad one, I know) And they write a lot in order to improve themselves.

So I figured, I have this vox blog, right? I never really use it anymore, right? Well, I should. I decided I need to quit worrying about whether or not I have anything worthwhile to post, and just write. Of course I've known that for the last two years, but I still always drew a blank on what to write about. Or just didn't feel like it. And facebook gets all my frivolous internet finds these days.

So here's the thing. I have decided I need to post a paragraph a day. That's five sentences. Sounds easy enough, right? Gee, I hope so. Ideally it would be fiction; a fiction paragraph that can stand on its own. Or perhaps something like this old post that totally dramatised my stinky, icky trash chute. I suppose I could start by looking at the vox question of the day. Never did pay much attention to those. But that's because they never really inspired me in the first place - thousands of other people potentially writing about the same thing and all. Plus - not fiction.

So one thing it occurred to me to try is to pick a random book off my shelf, turn to a random page, point to a random sentence, and then try to expand on that. Not sure if that'll work or not. For one thing, I may still draw a complete blank - working off the words of others and all. For another, I don't have many books here, as the majority are still in storage. The ones that are here will either end up being an excellent trove of ideas or a really really bad suck hole of non-ideas. Most of the books I have here are reference books on cool, obscure or fictional topics like Celtic lore and history, British mythology, or encyclopaedias of fairies or monsters or magic. Quite frankly, I might become intimidated trying to write even just a simple paragraph on such topics without having fully studied up on them. But we shall see.

Now, I no longer have NaNo's invisible guilt monkeys to keep me on task, and even making myself write this post was a challenge only overcome by the fact that I wanted to start this precisely one week after NaNo. Which is right now -  tada! Instant deadline. And I don't honestly expect myself to do it every single day without fail, indefinitely. But if I refer to it as roughly a daily thing, maybe that will help the guilt monkeys come round. You know, when many days go by and I haven't touched the vox compose page and I start to feel guilty for allowing "daily" to turn into "weekly" to turn into "occasionally" or worse.

So that's my spiel. But I want you to help me too. I want you to throw ideas at me. If the book thing isn't working it might be nice to have ideas to fall back on, to choose between when nothing else sparks a single sentence. (Seriously. You'd be surprised just how empty my head can become when I sit down to write for the sake of writing. Remember journaling in junior high? Yeah, I hated that more than gym, I think. I could never think of anything to write in the moment.)

But more than the benefit of having the ideas themselves, if you are sending them to me, I'll know you're reading. And expecting something from me. Nothing gets me going like knowing someone is expecting me to do something I've set out to do. In essence you become my invisible guilt monkeys. Invisible, of course, only because I can't see you through the interwebs.

So, wish me luck. And I hope my paragraphs don't bore you to pieces! (like this post undoubtedly has ~__^)

love-love. lindsay

Day II - Raein from ‘Found Songs’ by Ólafur Arnalds Some...

Day II - Raein from ‘Found Songs’ by Ólafur Arnalds

Some absolutely beautiful, serene music. My only complaint is that they’re so short! But for a seven-songs-in-seven-days project, I don’t know if it gets much better than this.

Get more on his website: http://foundsongs.erasedtapes.com/ High quality CD or downloads available for purchase, or just grab the lower quality downloads from the site.

The “Soundtrack Edit” of Finished Symphony by...

Finished Symphony (Hybrid's Soundtrack Edit)

Hybrid

The “Soundtrack Edit” of Finished Symphony by Hybrid

If I could only listen to one song (including all of its versions and remixes) for the rest of my life,  Finished Symphony would be that song. The full original version is a lot more techno, but still with plenty of synthesized strings, but I am sharing the version that folks who don’t like electronic music can still enjoy. After listening to my many versions of Finished Symphony for the last two years I am still not tired of it. What’s more, the song continually conjures up inspiring imagery for me - the kind that leads to epic novels and movies….

'victory, not vengeance' for the journey

Many of us have music we feel makes up the soundtrack of our lives. Even my father knows precisely what music would play in the film based on his life. I, myself, have had many random songs that represent whole swathes of my mundane experiences, simply because I loved them at those times. But I also have had a few I've purposely elevated into mantras; music that I not only love, but that says something I really need to keep in my head as I go through tougher times or times of change. I've even posted about one before.

But for the better part of the past year, there has been an entire library of these mantra songs accumulating from one single band. As electronica, VNV Nation's sound may not be for everyone (and indeed there are a handful of their songs that are so violently house-music-y and slightly repetitive that I never listen to them a second time), but many of their songs are flabbergastingly inspiring and beautiful. For me, since I like electronic music when it is as intricate as a symphony or has compelling bridges and change-ups (or whatever the proper music terms are for these variations in the music), I find much of the music inspiring in its own right, but the lyrics push it beyond a lot of music today. The band's very name speaks to their view of a grander scale - the VNV standing for Victory, Not Vengeance.

Their songs capture every part of the human journey, from those times we feel lost or insignificant to the times we struggle to better ourselves and our world and reach to whatever lies beyond. And it is these that I am continually trying to remind myself to heed, to live by, to embrace in my own journey. Suffice it to say that I could narrate an entire film - beginning, middle, plot twist, and end - with VNV's music, and it would be a story with which many, many people could identify.

So I felt it was high time I share some of these. A few snatches of lyrics and a few songs that continue to blow me away, to bring tears to my eyes, and to inspire me, not only to feel differently about my life, but to seek the light. I hope they inspire you, too.

"And if rain brings winds of change, let it rain on us forever." ~Solitary

"I don't want you to change, for all the hurt you feel. This world is just illusion, trying to change you." ~Illusion

"Lay down your greastest burden
Relinquish that which has control of you
And let yourself through

Though it seems the past and future look the same
Suffice to say you're still here

Though the past, the unwanted memories, are holding onto you
All the power in the universe conspires to carry you." ~Carry You

"We possess the power
If this should start to fall apart
to mend divides, to change the world
to reach the farthest star
If we should stay silent
if fear should win our hearts,
our light will have long diminished
before it reaches the farthest star." ~The Farthest Star

"Forget your fears. And want no more.
At first light lay proud foundations.
Sense the greatness that before you unfolds.
Seek no more for hollow answers.
Answers that lay within you all along.
Farewell to dawns seen through saddened eyes.
Farewell to pasts to sorrows chained.
Forget your fears and want no more.
You will be strong and want no more.
You'll be adored. You will have everything.
You will be strong and want no more.
Forget your fears. You will have everything.
And want no more." ~Firstlight / Arclight / Lastlight

Endless Skies

VNV Nation

"How many years since you found yourself
Staring at an endless sky?

Unaware of yourself
Who you are and where you're going
Only living
Only breathing
Losing all sense of time

The most fragile of things
Captivates and embraces you
Surrender and be witness
To this rarest of moments

You live within the sense
Of the order of things
What is truth
What is important
What defines you

No need to fear
No need to worry
About years that passed
About time you lost

Live seconds as a lifetime
Time it does not matter
You live within the sense
Of the stillness of time" ~Endless Skies

"Before me plays the endless film
Relentless splinters I recall

Arena

VNV Nation

Each living thing breathes life
Only sentiment remains
To liquid born, from patterns formed
The sand descends with blind intent
Where the river takes me will in time be revealed

I cannot turn my feelings down
Beyond my means to turn my thoughts around
Expressed in every word I will ever speak
Brighter than all the stars combined
More than the waters, earth and sky
All that I wish and all that I dream

Above the waves with my hands raised
Dare the wind, lay claim to me
Knowing somehow none could take me
Watching the sun come up in vain
The only reason I can find why I remained
The need to leave the point I came to again and again

It didn't matter how hard I tried
It took so long to claim that I knew how
Or what it meant to let go of this
To ever say goodbye
Call it destiny, call it fate
Chose my direction, running forward
Each life to learn anew, whatever may come

I cannot turn my feelings down
Beyond my means to turn my thoughts around
Expressed in every word I will ever speak
Brighter than all the stars combined
More than the waters, earth and sky
All that I wish and all that I dream
No creed on earth can replace or provide
In my darkest hour, the comfort I'd feel
Leading me to see I can be more than I expect of me
My beginning and my end
The first and last air that I breathe
More than the sum of everything that I will ever be." ~Arena

Perpetual

VNV Nation

"Find it in you, raise your eyes
Look beyond the place you stand
Towards the furthest reaches
And to the smallest of things
The sound you are hearing
Is the symphony of what we are
Revelation will not come
With heart and mind closed and divided

No need of sun to light the way
Across the ages, we have reigned as we endured
Through the storm fronts we will ever surely pass
To stand as never ending light

Throw away the mantle
Awake from your uncertain hesitation
No way to describe or equate the feeling
No end to what is at your command
A million thoughts run through you
Concentric circles, ever greater
But you have always known
That this is not all there is
To your questions there'll be answers

Let there be, let there always be
Never ending light" ~Perpetual

Where There Is Light

VNV Nation

"The carousel begins to slow, I take my chances
So far removed, I fail to see
The recklessness I've shown in all my words and deeds
The good in other souls I never fail to see

Can you see the light

As far as the eyes can see
From this point above the world
Where mortals dare their destiny
As it radiates, may I witness open-eyed
Let me remain where there is light

In want of courage
It is a shield for me
In want of hope
It reassures and carries me
As it radiates, may I witness open-eyed
Let me remain where there is light

Letting go was never easy
Risking all for what I wanted, never needed
Deliberated whether I should serve the cause of greater things

As we moved worlds apart

Can you see the light...

The greatest words would still fail me now
These emotions I cannot describe
I want to be where I don't need to hide myself
And remain there until the end of time

The gods play games with mortal hearts
As the carousel goes 'round
As I looked on,
I saw the crowds who gathered walk away

Can you see the light..." ~Where There Is Light

why i like obama

Here on the eve of election day I'm remembering that I have had a lot of thoughts going through my mind, many that I have wanted to share, but could never quite collect coherently. Or at least, not when I was sitting in front of my computer. Not with all the distractions of election coverage. I'm still not sure how coherent this will be because I'm at work, in a rush, and continually interrupted, but here goes.

I have never considered myself to be a very opinionated person. Despite the fact that, on occasion, I will spew out some strong viewpoint, it is often off the top of my head and may not really be what I think. Because the truth is, I do tend to see things from other points of view (at least, when they don't concern me directly). Even when I don't like something, I can often understand why someone else would. Call it an occupational hazard as an actress. I sometimes have to play characters who may have views I don't agree with, and to do so I have to be able to understand those views, and why they hold them, and how they may have formed them. All of my thinking, and all of my logic comes from this type of understanding. The concept that every one is different and has a different idea of what is best for them and those around them, and the idea that the best way to serve the most people is to look at the greater good and to find compromise and preserve freedoms. It has only been over the past two or three years that I have really tried to figure out what I think. And I have found that I am far more socially liberal than I thought I was, because the liberal view tries to be accommodating to other beliefs and needs, and it concentrates on the greater good of all, rather than the "me first" individualistic mentality.

When this political season first began I was politically agnostic. I decided to pay attention to politics for the first time in my life. I suppose I got lucky that it turned out to be addictively interesting. By the time the Democrats were down to three I realised I would probably vote for whichever of them won (though I inexplicably hoped it wouldn't be Edwards), and when McCain won the Republican nomination I was encouraged that this would truly be a different kind of race. I had seen him before on the Daily Show and liked him, though I had realised I didn't agree with him on the issues that were important to me. As the Dems got down to Clinton and Obama I was only slightly leaning toward rooting for Obama, primarily because I didn't think it was right to make it mandatory for everyone to purchase healthcare. Simply because the reason people like me don't have it is that we can't afford it, so I wasn't sure the problem was really adressed. But I wasn't voting in the primary, so I could still go wither way.

It was only after Obama won that I really started proclaiming my specific support. But it wasn't because he was the winner. It was because the first thing he did after winning was make good on expelling lobbyists from donating to his campaign. I thought, here's a guy who just might actually do what he says he will do. Then I started paying more attention to his speeches. Honestly I had missed that "soaring rhetoric" up until then. And because I am running low on time I will just copy over a couple of things that he has said that could very well be my own thoughts, were I so elequent and forward-thinking. And hopefully you can take my statement above regarding how I form my opinions and perhaps draw the same conclusions about how good this kind of attitude will be to have in our government.

"We don’t like asking somebody else to do what we can do ourselves but you know what we understand is that every once in a while somebody’s going to get knocked down. Every once in a while somebody’s going to go through some hard times. When we least expect it tragedy may strike. And what has always made this country great is the understanding that we rise and fall as one nation, that values and family, community and neighborhood, they have to express themselves in our government. Those are national values. Those are values that we all subscribe to. [...]

Because if there’s a poor child out there, that’s my child. If there’s a senior that’s having trouble, that’s my grandparent. If there’s a guy who’s lost his job, that’s my brother. If there’s a woman out there without healthcare, that’s my sister. Those are the values that built this country. Those are the values we are fighting for."

~Obama speaking on hurricane Gustav, 1 Sept. (See more here: http://www.time-blog.com/swampland/2008/09/obama_on_gustav.html)

And when was the last time our government actually called on us and inspired us to be responsible for ourselves?

"I don't know what kind of lives John McCain thinks that celebrities lead, but this has been mine. These are my heroes. Theirs are the stories that shaped me. And it is on their behalf that I intend to win this election and keep our promise alive as President of the United States.

What is that promise?

It's a promise that says each of us has the freedom to make of our own lives what we will, but that we also have the obligation to treat each other with dignity and respect.

It's a promise that says the market should reward drive and innovation and generate growth, but that businesses should live up to their responsibilities to create American jobs, look out for American workers, and play by the rules of the road.

Ours is a promise that says government cannot solve all our problems, but what it should do is that which we cannot do for ourselves - protect us from harm and provide every child a decent education; keep our water clean and our toys safe; invest in new schools and new roads and new science and technology.

Our government should work for us, not against us. It should help us, not hurt us. It should ensure opportunity not just for those with the most money and influence, but for every American who's willing to work.

That's the promise of America - the idea that we are responsible for ourselves, but that we also rise or fall as one nation; the fundamental belief that I am my brother's keeper; I am my sister's keeper."

[...]

"we must also admit that fulfilling America's promise will require more than just money. It will require a renewed sense of responsibility from each of us to recover what John F. Kennedy called our "intellectual and moral strength." Yes, government must lead on energy independence, but each of us must do our part to make our homes and businesses more efficient. Yes, we must provide more ladders to success for young men who fall into lives of crime and despair. But we must also admit that programs alone can't replace parents; that government can't turn off the television and make a child do her homework; that fathers must take more responsibility for providing the love and guidance their children need.

Individual responsibility and mutual responsibility - that's the essence of America's promise."

[...]

"This country of ours has more wealth than any nation, but that's not what makes us rich. We have the most powerful military on Earth, but that's not what makes us strong. Our universities and our culture are the envy of the world, but that's not what keeps the world coming to our shores.

Instead, it is that American spirit - that American promise - that pushes us forward even when the path is uncertain; that binds us together in spite of our differences; that makes us fix our eye not on what is seen, but what is unseen, that better place around the bend.

That promise is our greatest inheritance. It's a promise I make to my daughters when I tuck them in at night, and a promise that you make to yours - a promise that has led immigrants to cross oceans and pioneers to travel west; a promise that led workers to picket lines, and women to reach for the ballot."

~Obama's nomination acceptance speech. (see full transcript here: http://www.demconvention.com/barack-obama/)

I see in Obama a man of integrity. I think that is evidenced by the far-right's fear of him. They, too, believe he will do what he says he will do, but unlike many on the center and the left, they are afraid of change. Even though change is the only constant in this world and if you don't change with the times you are indeed moving backward. I see in Obama a man of compromise and a man who reads the fine print. I think many people who criticise his record forget that he understands law very well and he will sometimes vote for or against something because of what is included in the fine print or because he sees it as the most achievable compromise. I think with the diversity that is America we need someone who will listen to all points of view, and he has demonstrated that capacity. In choosing Biden for his running mate, he made very clear one criteria was to have someone with whom he didn't always agree, someone who would debate him on matters so that he could know he was thinking of other points of view. Even his campaign mantra, "Yes We Can," is an embodiment of the very thing people have been trying to get me to do all my life - focus on the positive, and believe success is yours for the taking. How cool is it to have so many people focusing positive energy together on a single goal? Imagine how much more can be done with that focus, drive, and energy of the masses.

I see so much more, and I consider myself to be a decent judge of character (I still don't know what gave me the bad vibe about Edwards, but that turned out to be accurate.) and he exudes warmth and intellegence and many of those qualities that one would want their child to aspire to have. Think about it. How long has it been since we have had a president who was a desirable role model? Many would argue that McCain, too, has qualities to aspire to, and before this campaign I might have conceded to them. But after all the dirty rabble-rousing, fearmongering, hatemongering, and general divisiveness I have seen (from the direct source - NOT what any media-type told me to see) I have lost any respect for the man. And quite frankly I am saddened for him, that this could be the way that he is remembered.

I know I had so much I wanted to say about this election, but I can't remember it all and I waited too long (As it is I haven't been able to go more than three sentences without getting interrupted, so this has taken far too long to write). Most people will not read this until after they have cast their vote anyway, so it isn't as though I could change anyone's mind. So here's hoping they have seen what I have seen. Here's hoping that people see that it's not just about what's good for them, but about how to make the government good for everyone. Otherwise, why bother to have it?

(I have to stop now, but I may edit this later tonight or tomorrow. But if I don't publish now, no one will see it before it's too late. Don't pay attention to the polls. Go vote! No matter what, vote! But I suggest you vote Obama!)

prodigal jenny

 This slightly sappy blog post is best appreciated while listening to:

Falling Away With You

Muse

There are some things we never really think about, but we know they are there just the same. Oddly, these seem to be the things that shape us and make us who we are. Occasionally these sculptors are the people that pass in and out of our lives. Friends come and go, indeed, and with the number of times I have moved in my life there has been a whole lot more of the going part. But that doesn’t mean these people are gone.

In ninth grade our favourite television show had a character named Lucky. You could say that Jenny and I watched the show together almost religiously. But we were not your usual teenagers. Even though we lived only a ten minute walk apart we watched from our own respective homes with the phone to our ears. But even this was unusual because we didn’t really talk. When Lucky got shot we cried out his name together, we rejoiced together when he survived, but we didn’t say much more than that over the phone. We were content knowing that our friend was on the other end, ready if either had something to say. I didn't realise at the time what this meant.

Long Lost Jenny

Time of course passed and I moved away. Neither of us were ever counted among the most skilled in things like keeping in touch and we went two, then three, then five years without making contact. We recently made contact again and I couldn’t help but feel inspired to acknowledge the remarkable few friends that need no reason to be our friends. Who's to say how long our contact will last this time, who knows if we have anything in common anymore. The beauty is it doesn't matter. We didn't need to say much then, and we don't need to say much now. It's enough to know the other is there, somewhere on the other end, wishing her friend the best. It's enough to know we've got a reason to shout out, "LUCKY!"